Tag: writing

sunday blues

Some days you get a rush of sadness that comes out of nowhere. One minute everything is okay and then the next moment everything feels wrong. I’m used to letting myself get dragged into that pit of sadness and just wander in my mind.

Today, I got up and went for a walk around the block with my fiance.

I’m glad I did. My fiance took a beautiful picture of the evening sky. In the picture, the moon faintly lies in the background, but I know its there.

It may not be completely visible, but I know its there. And that’s enough for me.

creativity

When I was young, I was obsessed with stickers. I put them on every surface of my room. My desk, drawers, walls were all covered with hearts, stars, and random stickers of Tweety.

As an adult now, I’m still sticker obsessed. In fact, I love anything and everything that has to do with stationery. Pens, pencils, markers, brush pens, stickers, notebooks, notepads, etc. Everything! All of these things were a big part of my childhood that carried on through my adult life.

The reason I love stationery is that it brings a sense of comfort and happiness in my life.  I can sit down and just write down all my thoughts in my bullet journal, all my stories in my notebooks, draw in the notepads, jot down my to-do lists in my planners. I can select from a variety of colors, from red to mustard to teal. I can pick whether I wanted to use a 0.5 pencil, a brush pen, or a marker. I can choose from stacks and stacks of sticker of quotes, hearts, unicorns, cats, anything! Everything was up to me. There was no right or wrong. I could create anything I wanted.

A few years ago, I found a brand called the Happy Planner. They had planners, stickers, and everything I loved. I was instantly sucked into the planning community. For a while, I kept up with my planning, but once I graduated college I lost touch with it. That is when my anxiety and depression began settling in and soon all the things I used to love became meaningless to me. However, the Happy Planner always tempted me. I would see the stickers that the Happy Planner had and I could feel that small spark of happiness in me.

One day, I decided to listen to it.

It was the best choice I have made. The Happy Planner has helped me deal with my anxiety in more ways than one. I carry my planner with me along with my bullet journal and other notebooks. It is a part of my everyday life and it helps me cope.

I love writing and I love planning. Together, they are two of my greatest happiness. It’s a part of my journey because it is one of the creative outlets I have found that has helped bring happiness back into my life.

I hope to share this aspect with everyone.

 

rain

There is something soothing about stepping outside when the rain has stopped. There is a feeling of freshness, but also a sense of expectancy. You can feel the peace in the interlude. You don’t know what’s coming next, but you know something is coming. If you wait a little bit longer, you can almost feel the mist slowly touching your skin.

I used to step out onto the rain and look up at the sky waiting to see the raindrop down hard on my face. That’s how my life felt for a long time. An endless pouring rain that I felt like I was drowning in.

I stopped seeing the rain as an endless storm and instead focused on the cleansing fresh start it could provide.

A few months ago I heard a song written and sung by RM (a Korean artist part of BTS). In the song, there is a lyric that states, “I feel so lonely when I’m with me.” This one line resonated so deeply because I’ve always felt like a lone soul stuck wandering in an endless storm of pain and despair.

The song provided a sense of comfort that for so long I was looking for. His words reminded me that the most important thing was to learn to love myself. These last few weeks have really tested me and I almost felt like I could not keep going. But I reminded myself that I would not drown, I would not live in the storm. I would keep going.

And here I am.

excitement

How time flies! It’s almost May! This last week has been so long but also so short. It still amazes me how time works sometimes.

Some times you’re having a really bad day and in a moment one change can turn it into a really great day. I’ve felt that more this week. There were too many upsetting, frustrating and very disappointing moments at work and at home that really got to me.

But I made the effort to find the positive in each moment and guess what? I did it! I’ve felt a lot more balanced in my emotions in the last week than I have in a very long time. I’ve learned to really take each moment of my journey one step at a time.

Today, there are a couple of undesirable things happening but I’m focused on the positive exciting projects I’m working on (stay tuned)! All I feel is excitement at the idea that I am more than the anxiety I feel inside. I am filled with potential and open to the challenges I am facing.

At this moment, I look forward to the future, not with that anxious perspective, but with hopeful excitement.

hobbies

When my anxiety began to creep in, I started to slowly lose interest in all the things I used to love. I didn’t want to read any more books and I didn’t want to write.

I kept buying books trying to find the “happiness” they used to bring me. I thought by buying them I could feel some sort of joy again, but they all sat in the shelf with dust collecting around them. The novel I had been working on remained unwritten. My dream of becoming an author seemed so far away and seemed impossible.

I didn’t want any of those things anymore. I didn’t want to do it and I didn’t want to think about it. My chest tightened with fear at the thought of either reading or writing. When I did think of them, they seemed like failed dreams.

But how could they be failed dreams if I never really tried to keep them going? The only thing stopping me was myself, so I realized that the only thing I was failing was myself.

I needed to change and now seemed like then perfect time. I was suddenly inspired to be creative and think more creatively. Of course, sudden change did not happen so quickly and I have to admit I judged myself harshly at first. Old habits die hard, but I’m learning to give myself a break if I don’t live up to my own expectations.

So far I’ve managed to keep up with writing my random thoughts on here and it’s helped so much. I’ve also started to ease myself into a creative routine with a planner. I have found so much joy and ease sitting down and just planning my week. Plus I’ve realized that I am obsessed with stickers again. I used to love them as a child and now as an adult.

Slowly but surely I’ll rediscover all the hobbies I used to love. I’ll keep going even if I do fail.