pain – the happy within

Bad days suck.

I had a bad day at work yesterday and I could not shake off the negativity I felt all day. I feel like it’s a lot harder for me because when I have a bad day it feels like I’ve fallen into a pit of hopeless despair. I know that it sounds very dramatic, but that’s literally how I feel. My anxiety attacks my mind into surrendering to the fear and stress that feels a million times worse than it actually is.

It doesn’t help that I also tend to wallow in my own pain instead of shaking it off and moving on. I’m not very good at facing my own fears, especially when it involves my future.

Yesterday, I was in the mind space where I questioned the path that my life was heading down and I felt like I was wasting my potential at my 9-5 job. I felt like I had no future at this job, but I also couldn’t imagine a future without it. I felt trapped. I wanted to cry. I wanted to go home.

My mind was in the dark side of that pit of hopelessness.

I knew that I needed to take a step back, breathe, and reevaluate, but I couldn’t do it. Instead, I chose to lay in my bed and cover my face wishing for an escape.

I let the heightened uncertainty of a fruitless future engulf me. I really hate bad days.

I’ve been used to the physical pain in my chest when I have anxiety that I couldn’t imagine a day without it. Just recently, I found myself at work in a typical anxiety and stress inducing situation and I felt…nothing.

I panicked. What is this feeling? Am I dying? I felt so calm physically, but my mind was going all sorts of crazy.

That was my first experience feeling empty. I knew this was the result of the medication I was prescribed to help with my anxiety, but I didn’t expect for this kind of reaction.

I can’t say that it was a great experience, but it was definitely a new one. In a way, I had found comfort in the physical tightness I felt and the pain that always radiated through me when I got anxious or nervous. Now that it was gone, I missed it. I definitely felt crazy. How could I miss something that I’ve been wanting to get rid of for so long?

When it was finally gone, I wanted it back. Or at least I thought I wanted it back, because it was what was familiar to me for the last two years. I didn’t know anything else.

Now, I feel the emptiness in my chest, no tightness or pain. The anxiety is still there, so deeply rooted and seared into my thoughts and mind. However, the physical aspect seemed to be diminishing.
It only left me with the question I feared so much… what now?