mono – the happy within

There is something soothing about stepping outside when the rain has stopped. There is a feeling of freshness, but also a sense of expectancy. You can feel the peace in the interlude. You don’t know what’s coming next, but you know something is coming. If you wait a little bit longer, you can almost feel the mist slowly touching your skin.

I used to step out onto the rain and look up at the sky waiting to see the raindrop down hard on my face. That’s how my life felt for a long time. An endless pouring rain that I felt like I was drowning in.

I stopped seeing the rain as an endless storm and instead focused on the cleansing fresh start it could provide.

A few months ago I heard a song written and sung by RM (a Korean artist part of BTS). In the song, there is a lyric that states, “I feel so lonely when I’m with me.” This one line resonated so deeply because I’ve always felt like a lone soul stuck wandering in an endless storm of pain and despair.

The song provided a sense of comfort that for so long I was looking for. His words reminded me that the most important thing was to learn to love myself. These last few weeks have really tested me and I almost felt like I could not keep going. But I reminded myself that I would not drown, I would not live in the storm. I would keep going.

And here I am.

I feel like I’m wasting my time and my life complaining about how I feel. But it feels so hard for me to deal with all the emotions that creep in and out throughout the day.

I woke up feeling so much anxiety and worry. I had a feeling of unease that something bad was going to happen.

I got to work late and I was frustrated because I couldn’t come on time. No one noticed or said anything yet I still felt like all eyes were on me.

As I sit on my desk watching a training on Cyber security awareness, I can’t help but feel anger and stress. I can’t even concentrate on the training because I feel so much right now that my brain feels clouded. I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself and feeding into the “poor me” narrative I have created for myself. But it’s so hard when I feel so much!

In times like this, I try to take a step back and breathe. Try to reevaluate what I’m feeling and how I can solve it. I go back and think of all the sources that bring me motivation and happiness.

I’ve been listening to a song by a Korean artist, RM. He is part of a bigger K-pop group that I’m sure many know about (if not you should definitely give them a listen). He released a solo mix tape a few months ago that definitely speaks to me. Many of his songs resonate deeply with me, but in particular in one song it feels like he’s talking directly to me.

In the song called, uhgood, he sings:

All I need is me
I know I know I know…
But why do I feel lonely…

I feel so lonely when I’m with me

I want to get better. I want to be able to deal with my emotions, my worries and my anxiety. I know it starts with me, but the me inside me feels so lonely that it’s hard to lift her up.

I need to learn to love me, listen to me and support me. But it’s so hard with all the unease I feel around me.