Tag: mind

excitement

How time flies! It’s almost May! This last week has been so long but also so short. It still amazes me how time works sometimes.

Some times you’re having a really bad day and in a moment one change can turn it into a really great day. I’ve felt that more this week. There were too many upsetting, frustrating and very disappointing moments at work and at home that really got to me.

But I made the effort to find the positive in each moment and guess what? I did it! I’ve felt a lot more balanced in my emotions in the last week than I have in a very long time. I’ve learned to really take each moment of my journey one step at a time.

Today, there are a couple of undesirable things happening but I’m focused on the positive exciting projects I’m working on (stay tuned)! All I feel is excitement at the idea that I am more than the anxiety I feel inside. I am filled with potential and open to the challenges I am facing.

At this moment, I look forward to the future, not with that anxious perspective, but with hopeful excitement.

bad days

Bad days suck.

I had a bad day at work yesterday and I could not shake off the negativity I felt all day. I feel like it’s a lot harder for me because when I have a bad day it feels like I’ve fallen into a pit of hopeless despair. I know that it sounds very dramatic, but that’s literally how I feel. My anxiety attacks my mind into surrendering to the fear and stress that feels a million times worse than it actually is.

It doesn’t help that I also tend to wallow in my own pain instead of shaking it off and moving on. I’m not very good at facing my own fears, especially when it involves my future.

Yesterday, I was in the mind space where I questioned the path that my life was heading down and I felt like I was wasting my potential at my 9-5 job. I felt like I had no future at this job, but I also couldn’t imagine a future without it. I felt trapped. I wanted to cry. I wanted to go home.

My mind was in the dark side of that pit of hopelessness.

I knew that I needed to take a step back, breathe, and reevaluate, but I couldn’t do it. Instead, I chose to lay in my bed and cover my face wishing for an escape.

I let the heightened uncertainty of a fruitless future engulf me. I really hate bad days.

escape

When my mind is stuck in a cloud of negativity, it’s hard to remember what happiness feels like. Over the last few days, I’ve found myself feeling happy over completing the small goals I’ve set for myself. It feels like such a huge deal to me because I have such a hard time following routine and being consistent with writing. It feels nice to prove the anxiety giant in me wrong sometimes.

Writing these words and uploading my blog posts has brought me a great sense of accomplishment that it literally brought me to tears one day. The tears that spilled over didn’t hold the weight of my sadness, instead they carried a sense of hope for finding the true happiness within me.

I’ve discovered the renewed will I have for writing. This change reminds me of the meanings that my words carry and the release that result from expressing all the emotions deep within. It’s a beautiful thing to see my fingers typing away and filling up the pages with the words that my mind speaks.

I have found a beautiful release from reality.

Even though the words I speak are my reality, I feel that I get closer to finding peace with my own self. The journey I am on helps me discover and illustrate my story with my voice. I feel that my purpose lies within words that are yet to be constructed into sentences. So, I will keep striving to find that peace, even if it means bursting into tears randomly.

It’s a nice escape.

blank

Ordinarily my brain is filled with so many thoughts. They roam around the walls of my mind back and forth, popping in and out endlessly. They cause such a flurry of emotions and anxiety throughout the whole day that my mind is in a constant state of restlessness.

Yet, here I sit willing my mind to give my fingers words to type. Something! Anything to release the negativity and ease the stress of these endless thoughts. But its all silent and blank up there.

It’s funny that I can’t express the anxious and restless feelings through writing when I actually make the effort to sit down and focus on just those emotions.

Instead, this is all I can write at this moment.

If I were to visualize my mind now…

It would be like a night sky. Dark, starless, and few crickets cricketing in the background.

It could just be writer’s block? Or it could be that my mind is so calm at this moment, that I am actually at peace and I don’t even know it? If only.

I’m pretty sure it might be the former because the idea of not having anything to say causes me so much anxiety that I know this can’t be what peace feels like.

Instead I think my mind is so used to the darkness of anxiety that it resists any effort to come out. My dark night is good at hiding in the shadows.

Question now is:  how do I find my moon in the dark night of my mind?

block

There are times when one emotion completely overwhelms me to the point where I ask myself if I am ever going to stop feeling this way. There shouldn’t be a reason why I feel the way that I do, but I do feel it. I don’t know how to stop feeling the way I do and sometimes I don’t even realize that I don’t feel that way.

Today, sadness overwhelmed me all day. I don’t have one exact reason to be sad, because although things aren’t great, they definitely aren’t bad. But I still woke up with such a sadness within me that I wondered what was going on. I was able to distract myself when I spoke to my friends, but as soon as I was alone with my own mind, the feeling returned. I could feel myself falling into the same hole, wondering if I would make it out on the other side or be stuck in a continuous loop.

It all sounds crazy, but that is exactly what my mind goes through. It makes me feel like I have no control over my emotions. Instead, my emotions control me. They control me so much that I feel I have a mental “block” as I like to call it.

This “block” stops me from moving past these emotions. I rather not think at all, than fight whatever is going on inside my mind.

Deep down, I know that this may stem from my anxiety and my mental strength, but I am not sure what the best solution is. Is there even one?

I almost let it get to me today. Instead, I pushed a little harder to move forward. These words helped release and push that block a little further away.

Today, I beat the “block” and I think that’s something to be proud of.