It’s been one of those months again. But this time, it feels different. I haven’t written for about a month, but today I felt like it was time to write again.
It’s easy to express myself through written words, but when it comes to actually talking to someone, I would rather run at the first available chance. About a month ago, I had the worst anxiety attacks I’ve ever experienced. I felt like I was literally about to have a heart attack. The irrational fear even made me believe that I was actually going to have a heart attack and that I was going to die.
It was truly a life changing moment.
I sat with my fiance in the parking lot of CVS pharmacy crying my anxiety out. The pain and fear in my chest were temporarily released as the tears poured down my face. It was a very painful experience that still makes me tear up. My fiance watched as the anxiety I fought with daily took over my mind and body. I stared at his worried face trying to reassure him but how could I do that when my body and mind were in a state of panic? How could I pretend to be okay when I literally felt like my life was about to end?
It was an eye-opening and vulnerable moment for us. I think for a long time I believed he didn’t understand what it felt like to feel all the things I felt. It was unfair of me to judge him for this. The anxiety may have been consuming me, but I was also dragging him along the unfortunate journey.
How do you tell someone you love that it’s finally time to seek help? You drive to CVS and have a meltdown in the parking lot.
It was enough for me to actually set up an appointment with my doctor. I was so scared to take this huge step, but I finally realized I needed help. I am not one to seek help so readily, but I do not regret it.
I’ve eased the physical pain a little bit, but my next journey now is to learn how to manage all the thoughts and emotions that still wander around.
I will no longer be the victim of my own anxiety. It’s my time to take control.
the happy within 