Tag: inspiration

recharge

I woke up today at 5:40 am, my body is used to the routine of waking up and getting ready for work. I looked at my phone and happily dismissed all the alarms I had set. Today, I am on vacation mode.

I decided to take off almost a week off from work because I was going to be traveling and it was also my birthday. I thought this was a good enough reason to take off so many days. However, it was still hard to even ask for so many days because it was the first time I ever took off so much time from work.

At first, I felt really guilty. It was not good timing to take a vacation, because we were short-staffed. I wondered how work could go on without me or if my assignments would be completed? What if something went wrong and it was my fault? What if my manager becomes upset with me because I am taking off time? All these anxious thoughts almost convinced me to cancel all my plans.

I stopped myself from going down that negative path by taking a step back and taking a deep breath. I realized that work will go on without me and I can’t stop people from having opinions about me. I can only do and think about what is best for me. I need to look out for me. I have to stop caring about those guilty feelings and listen to what my body and mind need.

My body and my mind desperately needed this time off.

I’m on day three of my vacation and I feel so free. I feel like my mind and body are stress-free. At times I do find my mind drifting into thoughts about work, but I push those thoughts away. I have to live in the present.

I need this time to recharge and focus on figuring out what really makes me happy.  And it’s working! I’m starting to find my creative inspiration again and the rush of happiness gives me hope.

hobbies

When my anxiety began to creep in, I started to slowly lose interest in all the things I used to love. I didn’t want to read any more books and I didn’t want to write.

I kept buying books trying to find the “happiness” they used to bring me. I thought by buying them I could feel some sort of joy again, but they all sat in the shelf with dust collecting around them. The novel I had been working on remained unwritten. My dream of becoming an author seemed so far away and seemed impossible.

I didn’t want any of those things anymore. I didn’t want to do it and I didn’t want to think about it. My chest tightened with fear at the thought of either reading or writing. When I did think of them, they seemed like failed dreams.

But how could they be failed dreams if I never really tried to keep them going? The only thing stopping me was myself, so I realized that the only thing I was failing was myself.

I needed to change and now seemed like then perfect time. I was suddenly inspired to be creative and think more creatively. Of course, sudden change did not happen so quickly and I have to admit I judged myself harshly at first. Old habits die hard, but I’m learning to give myself a break if I don’t live up to my own expectations.

So far I’ve managed to keep up with writing my random thoughts on here and it’s helped so much. I’ve also started to ease myself into a creative routine with a planner. I have found so much joy and ease sitting down and just planning my week. Plus I’ve realized that I am obsessed with stickers again. I used to love them as a child and now as an adult.

Slowly but surely I’ll rediscover all the hobbies I used to love. I’ll keep going even if I do fail.

control

It’s been one of those months again. But this time, it feels different. I haven’t written for about a month, but today I felt like it was time to write again.

It’s easy to express myself through written words, but when it comes to actually talking to someone, I would rather run at the first available chance. About a month ago, I had the worst anxiety attacks I’ve ever experienced. I felt like I was literally about to have a heart attack. The irrational fear even made me believe that I was actually going to have a heart attack and that I was going to die.

It was truly a life changing moment.

I sat with my fiance in the parking lot of CVS pharmacy crying my anxiety out. The pain and fear in my chest were temporarily released as the tears poured down my face. It was a very painful experience that still makes me tear up. My fiance watched as the anxiety I fought with daily took over my mind and body. I stared at his worried face trying to reassure him but how could I do that when my body and mind were in a state of panic? How could I pretend to be okay when I literally felt like my life was about to end?

It was an eye-opening and vulnerable moment for us. I think for a long time I believed he didn’t understand what it felt like to feel all the things I felt. It was unfair of me to judge him for this. The anxiety may have been consuming me, but I was also dragging him along the unfortunate journey.

How do you tell someone you love that it’s finally time to seek help? You drive to CVS and have a meltdown in the parking lot.

It was enough for me to actually set up an appointment with my doctor. I was so scared to take this huge step, but I finally realized I needed help. I am not one to seek help so readily, but I do not regret it.

I’ve eased the physical pain a little bit, but my next journey now is to learn how to manage all the thoughts and emotions that still wander around.

I will no longer be the victim of my own anxiety. It’s my time to take control.

 

escape

When my mind is stuck in a cloud of negativity, it’s hard to remember what happiness feels like. Over the last few days, I’ve found myself feeling happy over completing the small goals I’ve set for myself. It feels like such a huge deal to me because I have such a hard time following routine and being consistent with writing. It feels nice to prove the anxiety giant in me wrong sometimes.

Writing these words and uploading my blog posts has brought me a great sense of accomplishment that it literally brought me to tears one day. The tears that spilled over didn’t hold the weight of my sadness, instead they carried a sense of hope for finding the true happiness within me.

I’ve discovered the renewed will I have for writing. This change reminds me of the meanings that my words carry and the release that result from expressing all the emotions deep within. It’s a beautiful thing to see my fingers typing away and filling up the pages with the words that my mind speaks.

I have found a beautiful release from reality.

Even though the words I speak are my reality, I feel that I get closer to finding peace with my own self. The journey I am on helps me discover and illustrate my story with my voice. I feel that my purpose lies within words that are yet to be constructed into sentences. So, I will keep striving to find that peace, even if it means bursting into tears randomly.

It’s a nice escape.

expectation

I think it would be a lie if I said I never wanted to at one point please everyone around me. I’m sure I am not the only one that has felt or feels this way. I think we crave reassurance that we are making others happy by choosing the decisions they think are best for us. We don’t really stop to listen to our own wants and needs.

On the other hand, I know there are people who could care less about other’s opinions and who are good at listening to their own self. I sometimes envy their self-awareness and self-love. I have never been that kind of person. 

As much as I hate to admit it, I wanted to feel other’s approval for any of the decisions that I made. I didn’t want to disappoint my family or friends by making any choices that were contrary to their own. For me, knowing that the people I care about were happy with “my” choices brought me a sense of satisfaction. I thought that this is what I always wanted, but lately I questioned if this is the life I wanted to live.

Do I want keeping living a life where my actions are based on the wants, opinions or needs of others?

I don’t think so.

I want to learn to find my own voice, focus on my own needs, indulge in my wants, and listen to my opinions. I want to learn to love myself for everything I am even when I feel that I’ve let down or disappointed those I care about. I don’t want to disappoint myself anymore.

For too long, I have ignored the voice inside me, the “little me”, that is yelling to be heard. This little me is so often overshadowed by the “giant me”, the one filled with anxiety and fear. I forget or maybe never learned how to even listen to the the real me. That little voice inside. 

I made the decision to stop living up to other’s expectations and to stop feeding the anxiety giant in me.

It’s time to make little me proud. I think it’s time we all start making ourselves proud. 

blank

Ordinarily my brain is filled with so many thoughts. They roam around the walls of my mind back and forth, popping in and out endlessly. They cause such a flurry of emotions and anxiety throughout the whole day that my mind is in a constant state of restlessness.

Yet, here I sit willing my mind to give my fingers words to type. Something! Anything to release the negativity and ease the stress of these endless thoughts. But its all silent and blank up there.

It’s funny that I can’t express the anxious and restless feelings through writing when I actually make the effort to sit down and focus on just those emotions.

Instead, this is all I can write at this moment.

If I were to visualize my mind now…

It would be like a night sky. Dark, starless, and few crickets cricketing in the background.

It could just be writer’s block? Or it could be that my mind is so calm at this moment, that I am actually at peace and I don’t even know it? If only.

I’m pretty sure it might be the former because the idea of not having anything to say causes me so much anxiety that I know this can’t be what peace feels like.

Instead I think my mind is so used to the darkness of anxiety that it resists any effort to come out. My dark night is good at hiding in the shadows.

Question now is:  how do I find my moon in the dark night of my mind?

restart

There are times when your mind completely wins and takes over. The emotions you tried hard to get rid of take center stage and consume you. They fill you up so much you forget about all the things that bring you happiness.
That was me.
Was.
The last months I felt like a zombie. Every day was the same.

Wake up, work, eat, sleep.

This routine was on repeat for 5 days every week. The days dragged on with no real excitement or happiness. There was only darkness.

I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to feel trapped. I want to find my meaning in life, not let my life run out of time.
So, I made the decision. The zombie me, that is no longer me. That was the old me. Now, I’m trying to break the cycle again. I have more to give. Even if it takes more than one restart, I will keep going. So…let’s try this again.

Restart.

procrastination

A huge event in my life is happening at the end of next year. If you ask me now if I am ready, you can expect a huge “NO!”. Not because I am not mentally or emotionally prepared, but because I haven’t taken one second to plan anything about it.

I tell myself that I should have something planned by now. Every time I think about planning, the most I do is acknowledge that I should probably do it, but I quickly dismiss it with an excuse.

For me: Excuses = Procrastination

The excuses I use help me justify the constant delaying. Is my anxiety delaying the planning because sitting down and thinking about all of the things I have to do cause me stress? Or is it the lazy part of me that will try to wing this (which this is not something that should be winged)? These are the thoughts that run through my head when I try to find reasons as to why I’m procrastinating.

I asked myself those questions today and realized something so simple. The only thing stopping myself from planning is me. Not the anxiety. Not the laziness. These are the excuses I used to justify the delay.

Instead of making more excuses, I am choosing to acknowledge that 1) yes this a big event that will take a lot of time to plan and 2) I may not solve everything in one day, but I am capable of completing this.

It is okay to not have everything figured out today. I know that it will be ok. I will be okay.

No more excuses, only action.