hope

rain

There is something soothing about stepping outside when the rain has stopped. There is a feeling of freshness, but also a sense of expectancy. You can feel the peace in the interlude. You don’t know what’s coming next, but you know something is coming. If you wait a little bit longer, you can almost feel the mist slowly touching your skin.

I used to step out onto the rain and look up at the sky waiting to see the raindrop down hard on my face. That’s how my life felt for a long time. An endless pouring rain that I felt like I was drowning in.

I stopped seeing the rain as an endless storm and instead focused on the cleansing fresh start it could provide.

A few months ago I heard a song written and sung by RM (a Korean artist part of BTS). In the song, there is a lyric that states, “I feel so lonely when I’m with me.” This one line resonated so deeply because I’ve always felt like a lone soul stuck wandering in an endless storm of pain and despair.

The song provided a sense of comfort that for so long I was looking for. His words reminded me that the most important thing was to learn to love myself. These last few weeks have really tested me and I almost felt like I could not keep going. But I reminded myself that I would not drown, I would not live in the storm. I would keep going.

And here I am.

excitement

How time flies! It’s almost May! This last week has been so long but also so short. It still amazes me how time works sometimes.

Some times you’re having a really bad day and in a moment one change can turn it into a really great day. I’ve felt that more this week. There were too many upsetting, frustrating and very disappointing moments at work and at home that really got to me.

But I made the effort to find the positive in each moment and guess what? I did it! I’ve felt a lot more balanced in my emotions in the last week than I have in a very long time. I’ve learned to really take each moment of my journey one step at a time.

Today, there are a couple of undesirable things happening but I’m focused on the positive exciting projects I’m working on (stay tuned)! All I feel is excitement at the idea that I am more than the anxiety I feel inside. I am filled with potential and open to the challenges I am facing.

At this moment, I look forward to the future, not with that anxious perspective, but with hopeful excitement.

recharge

I woke up today at 5:40 am, my body is used to the routine of waking up and getting ready for work. I looked at my phone and happily dismissed all the alarms I had set. Today, I am on vacation mode.

I decided to take off almost a week off from work because I was going to be traveling and it was also my birthday. I thought this was a good enough reason to take off so many days. However, it was still hard to even ask for so many days because it was the first time I ever took off so much time from work.

At first, I felt really guilty. It was not good timing to take a vacation, because we were short-staffed. I wondered how work could go on without me or if my assignments would be completed? What if something went wrong and it was my fault? What if my manager becomes upset with me because I am taking off time? All these anxious thoughts almost convinced me to cancel all my plans.

I stopped myself from going down that negative path by taking a step back and taking a deep breath. I realized that work will go on without me and I can’t stop people from having opinions about me. I can only do and think about what is best for me. I need to look out for me. I have to stop caring about those guilty feelings and listen to what my body and mind need.

My body and my mind desperately needed this time off.

I’m on day three of my vacation and I feel so free. I feel like my mind and body are stress-free. At times I do find my mind drifting into thoughts about work, but I push those thoughts away. I have to live in the present.

I need this time to recharge and focus on figuring out what really makes me happy. And it’s working! I’m starting to find my creative inspiration again and the rush of happiness gives me hope.

trapped

This last week has been one of the most stressful weeks I have experienced this year. A lot of things happened that were out of my control in both my personal and work life. Lack of control usually results in my anxiety and stress levels increasing drastically. The upside is that I was able to fix the biggest challenge I had this week and I was happy about it.

But here I am, still consumed by all of the same emotions. I feel stressed, nervous, anxious, and sad. All the negative feelings of the week that were in the background, came rushing back. It literally feels like all these emotions are stuck inside a bubble (my mind) and I can’t figure out how to pop that bubble to release everything.

I feel trapped inside my own mind, replaying all the emotions over and over. This feeling makes me think that I have no control over my life or work.

I further complicate things by letting these emotions pull me down into what I think of as a black hole. In this hole, everything seems like the end of the world. I feel like I am always going to feel this way and that nothing is every going to get better. It is a complete feeling of despair.

I have hope that I’ll find my escape and pop that bubble. Typing these thoughts and words help a lot. It’s a small release for all the million of thoughts and emotions that run back and forth in my mind.

Sometime I really do feel crazy, but I know I’m not. I do feel alone, like no one will understand. But if there is someone out there feeling the same, I hope that you don’t give up. I hold onto the hope that one day it will get better and I wish the same for you too.

what do you see when you look up at the sky?

Every time that I look up at the sky, I feel like it’s a reminder that I am alive. I am breathing. At times, I feel small and alone. Scared of the unknown.

But then I remember that my life is full of endless possibilities and promises.

The painted skies fill me with hope.