change – the happy within

It’s been one of those months again. But this time, it feels different. I haven’t written for about a month, but today I felt like it was time to write again.

It’s easy to express myself through written words, but when it comes to actually talking to someone, I would rather run at the first available chance. About a month ago, I had the worst anxiety attacks I’ve ever experienced. I felt like I was literally about to have a heart attack. The irrational fear even made me believe that I was actually going to have a heart attack and that I was going to die.

It was truly a life changing moment.

I sat with my fiance in the parking lot of CVS pharmacy crying my anxiety out. The pain and fear in my chest were temporarily released as the tears poured down my face. It was a very painful experience that still makes me tear up. My fiance watched as the anxiety I fought with daily took over my mind and body. I stared at his worried face trying to reassure him but how could I do that when my body and mind were in a state of panic? How could I pretend to be okay when I literally felt like my life was about to end?

It was an eye-opening and vulnerable moment for us. I think for a long time I believed he didn’t understand what it felt like to feel all the things I felt. It was unfair of me to judge him for this. The anxiety may have been consuming me, but I was also dragging him along the unfortunate journey.

How do you tell someone you love that it’s finally time to seek help? You drive to CVS and have a meltdown in the parking lot.

It was enough for me to actually set up an appointment with my doctor. I was so scared to take this huge step, but I finally realized I needed help. I am not one to seek help so readily, but I do not regret it.

I’ve eased the physical pain a little bit, but my next journey now is to learn how to manage all the thoughts and emotions that still wander around.

I will no longer be the victim of my own anxiety. It’s my time to take control.

I think it would be a lie if I said I never wanted to at one point please everyone around me. I’m sure I am not the only one that has felt or feels this way. I think we crave reassurance that we are making others happy by choosing the decisions they think are best for us. We don’t really stop to listen to our own wants and needs.

On the other hand, I know there are people who could care less about other’s opinions and who are good at listening to their own self. I sometimes envy their self-awareness and self-love. I have never been that kind of person.

As much as I hate to admit it, I wanted to feel other’s approval for any of the decisions that I made. I didn’t want to disappoint my family or friends by making any choices that were contrary to their own. For me, knowing that the people I care about were happy with “my” choices brought me a sense of satisfaction. I thought that this is what I always wanted, but lately I questioned if this is the life I wanted to live.

Do I want keeping living a life where my actions are based on the wants, opinions or needs of others?

I don’t think so.

I want to learn to find my own voice, focus on my own needs, indulge in my wants, and listen to my opinions. I want to learn to love myself for everything I am even when I feel that I’ve let down or disappointed those I care about. I don’t want to disappoint myself anymore.

For too long, I have ignored the voice inside me, the “little me”, that is yelling to be heard. This little me is so often overshadowed by the “giant me”, the one filled with anxiety and fear. I forget or maybe never learned how to even listen to the the real me. That little voice inside.

I made the decision to stop living up to other’s expectations and to stop feeding the anxiety giant in me.

It’s time to make little me proud. I think it’s time we all start making ourselves proud.