Tag: anxiety

blank

Ordinarily my brain is filled with so many thoughts. They roam around the walls of my mind back and forth, popping in and out endlessly. They cause such a flurry of emotions and anxiety throughout the whole day that my mind is in a constant state of restlessness.

Yet, here I sit willing my mind to give my fingers words to type. Something! Anything to release the negativity and ease the stress of these endless thoughts. But its all silent and blank up there.

It’s funny that I can’t express the anxious and restless feelings through writing when I actually make the effort to sit down and focus on just those emotions.

Instead, this is all I can write at this moment.

If I were to visualize my mind now…

It would be like a night sky. Dark, starless, and few crickets cricketing in the background.

It could just be writer’s block? Or it could be that my mind is so calm at this moment, that I am actually at peace and I don’t even know it? If only.

I’m pretty sure it might be the former because the idea of not having anything to say causes me so much anxiety that I know this can’t be what peace feels like.

Instead I think my mind is so used to the darkness of anxiety that it resists any effort to come out. My dark night is good at hiding in the shadows.

Question now is:  how do I find my moon in the dark night of my mind?

restart

There are times when your mind completely wins and takes over. The emotions you tried hard to get rid of take center stage and consume you. They fill you up so much you forget about all the things that bring you happiness.
That was me.
Was.
The last months I felt like a zombie. Every day was the same.

Wake up, work, eat, sleep.

This routine was on repeat for 5 days every week. The days dragged on with no real excitement or happiness. There was only darkness.

I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to feel trapped. I want to find my meaning in life, not let my life run out of time.
So, I made the decision. The zombie me, that is no longer me. That was the old me. Now, I’m trying to break the cycle again. I have more to give. Even if it takes more than one restart, I will keep going. So…let’s try this again.

Restart.

trapped

This last week has been one of the most stressful weeks I have experienced this year. A lot of things happened that were out of my control in both my personal and work life. Lack of control usually results in my anxiety and stress levels increasing drastically. The upside is that I was able to fix the biggest challenge I had this week and I was happy about it.

But here I am, still consumed by all of the same emotions. I feel stressed, nervous, anxious, and sad. All the negative feelings of the week that were in the background, came rushing back.  It literally feels like all these emotions are stuck inside a bubble (my mind) and I can’t figure out how to pop that bubble to release everything.

I feel trapped inside my own mind, replaying all the emotions over and over. This feeling makes me think that I have no control over my life or work.

I further complicate things by letting these emotions pull me down into what I think of as a black hole. In this hole, everything seems like the end of the world. I feel like I am always going to feel this way and that nothing is every going to get better. It is a complete feeling of despair.

I have hope that I’ll find my escape and pop that bubble. Typing these thoughts and words help a lot. It’s a small release for all the million of thoughts and emotions that run back and forth in my mind.

Sometime I really do feel crazy, but I know I’m not. I do feel alone, like no one will understand. But if there is someone out there feeling the same, I hope that you don’t give up. I hold onto the hope that one day it will get better and I wish the same for you too.

 

 

procrastination

A huge event in my life is happening at the end of next year. If you ask me now if I am ready, you can expect a huge “NO!”. Not because I am not mentally or emotionally prepared, but because I haven’t taken one second to plan anything about it.

I tell myself that I should have something planned by now. Every time I think about planning, the most I do is acknowledge that I should probably do it, but I quickly dismiss it with an excuse.

For me: Excuses = Procrastination

The excuses I use help me justify the constant delaying. Is my anxiety delaying the planning because sitting down and thinking about all of the things I have to do cause me stress? Or is it the lazy part of me that will try to wing this (which this is not something that should be winged)? These are the thoughts that run through my head when I try to find reasons as to why I’m procrastinating.

I asked myself those questions today and realized something so simple. The only thing stopping myself from planning is me. Not the anxiety. Not the laziness. These are the excuses I used to justify the delay.

Instead of making more excuses, I am choosing to acknowledge that 1) yes this a big event that will take a lot of time to plan and 2) I may not solve everything in one day, but I am capable of completing this.

It is okay to not have everything figured out today. I know that it will be ok. I will be okay.

No more excuses, only action.

block

There are times when one emotion completely overwhelms me to the point where I ask myself if I am ever going to stop feeling this way. There shouldn’t be a reason why I feel the way that I do, but I do feel it. I don’t know how to stop feeling the way I do and sometimes I don’t even realize that I don’t feel that way.

Today, sadness overwhelmed me all day. I don’t have one exact reason to be sad, because although things aren’t great, they definitely aren’t bad. But I still woke up with such a sadness within me that I wondered what was going on. I was able to distract myself when I spoke to my friends, but as soon as I was alone with my own mind, the feeling returned. I could feel myself falling into the same hole, wondering if I would make it out on the other side or be stuck in a continuous loop.

It all sounds crazy, but that is exactly what my mind goes through. It makes me feel like I have no control over my emotions. Instead, my emotions control me. They control me so much that I feel I have a mental “block” as I like to call it.

This “block” stops me from moving past these emotions. I rather not think at all, than fight whatever is going on inside my mind.

Deep down, I know that this may stem from my anxiety and my mental strength, but I am not sure what the best solution is. Is there even one?

I almost let it get to me today. Instead, I pushed a little harder to move forward. These words helped release and push that block a little further away.

Today, I beat the “block” and I think that’s something to be proud of.

comfort zone

There have been many times that I’ve labeled myself as “anti-social”. Sometimes as a joke, but more often than not, I’ve really believed that.

It’s not that I don’t want to hang out with my friends or get to know new people. Sometimes the fear that fills my mind consumes me so much that I rather avoid any social or new experience at ALL costs.

I rather stick to what I know than to take that step outside the safety line of my comfort zone. I look at the people around me at times and see how easily they talk freely. Smiles and laughs fill their faces. Pure joy at times.

Why cant that be me? Why is it so hard? Why am I stuck inside my own mind?

I haven’t figured out  the “why’s” just yet. Mainly because I am not sure when I started feeling the fear. All I know is that I don’t want to feel that fear. I don’t want to feel that anxiety of being a huge group and feeling like I can’t speak a word to anyone. I don’t want to be intimidated to new experiences, to life.

My comfort zone restricts me. But I’ve made one huge step. I am writing this now. On the internet. The vastness of the internet. No one may read this, or maybe one person will, but that’s not the point.

The point is my foot crossed that safety line and now I am outside.

So long comfort zone.