Tag: anxiety

excitement

How time flies! It’s almost May! This last week has been so long but also so short. It still amazes me how time works sometimes.

Some times you’re having a really bad day and in a moment one change can turn it into a really great day. I’ve felt that more this week. There were too many upsetting, frustrating and very disappointing moments at work and at home that really got to me.

But I made the effort to find the positive in each moment and guess what? I did it! I’ve felt a lot more balanced in my emotions in the last week than I have in a very long time. I’ve learned to really take each moment of my journey one step at a time.

Today, there are a couple of undesirable things happening but I’m focused on the positive exciting projects I’m working on (stay tuned)! All I feel is excitement at the idea that I am more than the anxiety I feel inside. I am filled with potential and open to the challenges I am facing.

At this moment, I look forward to the future, not with that anxious perspective, but with hopeful excitement.

unease

I feel like I’m wasting my time and my life complaining about how I feel. But it feels so hard for me to deal with all the emotions that creep in and out throughout the day.

I woke up feeling so much anxiety and worry. I had a feeling of unease that something bad was going to happen.

I got to work late and I was frustrated because I couldn’t come on time. No one noticed or said anything yet I still felt like all eyes were on me.

As I sit on my desk watching a training on Cyber security awareness, I can’t help but feel anger and stress. I can’t even concentrate on the training because I feel so much right now that my brain feels clouded. I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself and feeding into the “poor me” narrative I have created for myself. But it’s so hard when I feel so much!

In times like this, I try to take a step back and breathe. Try to reevaluate what I’m feeling and how I can solve it. I go back and think of all the sources that bring me motivation and happiness.

I’ve been listening to a song by a Korean artist, RM. He is part of a bigger K-pop group that I’m sure many know about (if not you should definitely give them a listen). He released a solo mix tape a few months ago that definitely speaks to me. Many of his songs resonate deeply with me, but in particular in one song it feels like he’s talking directly to me.

In the song called, uhgood, he sings:

All I need is me
I know I know I know…
But why do I feel lonely…

I feel so lonely when I’m with me

I want to get better. I want to be able to deal with my emotions, my worries and my anxiety. I know it starts with me, but the me inside me feels so lonely that it’s hard to lift her up.

I need to learn to love me, listen to me and support me. But it’s so hard with all the unease I feel around me.

balance

Days like today are the ones that make me feel crazy. Yesterday I was on a high, feeling so positive and inspired. Today, I feel unbalanced. I feel very stressed and anxious. My emotions are ranging from hyper to extremely overwhelmed in a span of minutes.

I don’t know what’s wrong and my mind feels empty. The only thing I know for sure is that I don’t feel good. I feel like something is wrong.

This constant state of unease and unknown makes me feel crazy. I know that I am not, but sometimes it so hard to understand what’s going on.

Why am I always on a constant cycle of highs and lows? Why can’t I stay high and remain there? Why? Why? Why?

Too many unanswered why’s.

My mind always wants to take the upper hand and create tension when there is none. There is literally nothing going on that seems so dire. But I have that feeling of impending doom. I have that “gut feeling” that something is going to happen.

These are the moments where I know I need to fight back, but it is so much harder said than done. Sometimes I don’t know where to start and other times I am so exhausted that I feel blocked. In the meantime, I’ll keep feeling like I’m on a seesaw.  Either at the lowest low or the highest high. Never quite finding that perfect middle balance.

recharge

I woke up today at 5:40 am, my body is used to the routine of waking up and getting ready for work. I looked at my phone and happily dismissed all the alarms I had set. Today, I am on vacation mode.

I decided to take off almost a week off from work because I was going to be traveling and it was also my birthday. I thought this was a good enough reason to take off so many days. However, it was still hard to even ask for so many days because it was the first time I ever took off so much time from work.

At first, I felt really guilty. It was not good timing to take a vacation, because we were short-staffed. I wondered how work could go on without me or if my assignments would be completed? What if something went wrong and it was my fault? What if my manager becomes upset with me because I am taking off time? All these anxious thoughts almost convinced me to cancel all my plans.

I stopped myself from going down that negative path by taking a step back and taking a deep breath. I realized that work will go on without me and I can’t stop people from having opinions about me. I can only do and think about what is best for me. I need to look out for me. I have to stop caring about those guilty feelings and listen to what my body and mind need.

My body and my mind desperately needed this time off.

I’m on day three of my vacation and I feel so free. I feel like my mind and body are stress-free. At times I do find my mind drifting into thoughts about work, but I push those thoughts away. I have to live in the present.

I need this time to recharge and focus on figuring out what really makes me happy.  And it’s working! I’m starting to find my creative inspiration again and the rush of happiness gives me hope.

bad days

Bad days suck.

I had a bad day at work yesterday and I could not shake off the negativity I felt all day. I feel like it’s a lot harder for me because when I have a bad day it feels like I’ve fallen into a pit of hopeless despair. I know that it sounds very dramatic, but that’s literally how I feel. My anxiety attacks my mind into surrendering to the fear and stress that feels a million times worse than it actually is.

It doesn’t help that I also tend to wallow in my own pain instead of shaking it off and moving on. I’m not very good at facing my own fears, especially when it involves my future.

Yesterday, I was in the mind space where I questioned the path that my life was heading down and I felt like I was wasting my potential at my 9-5 job. I felt like I had no future at this job, but I also couldn’t imagine a future without it. I felt trapped. I wanted to cry. I wanted to go home.

My mind was in the dark side of that pit of hopelessness.

I knew that I needed to take a step back, breathe, and reevaluate, but I couldn’t do it. Instead, I chose to lay in my bed and cover my face wishing for an escape.

I let the heightened uncertainty of a fruitless future engulf me. I really hate bad days.

hobbies

When my anxiety began to creep in, I started to slowly lose interest in all the things I used to love. I didn’t want to read any more books and I didn’t want to write.

I kept buying books trying to find the “happiness” they used to bring me. I thought by buying them I could feel some sort of joy again, but they all sat in the shelf with dust collecting around them. The novel I had been working on remained unwritten. My dream of becoming an author seemed so far away and seemed impossible.

I didn’t want any of those things anymore. I didn’t want to do it and I didn’t want to think about it. My chest tightened with fear at the thought of either reading or writing. When I did think of them, they seemed like failed dreams.

But how could they be failed dreams if I never really tried to keep them going? The only thing stopping me was myself, so I realized that the only thing I was failing was myself.

I needed to change and now seemed like then perfect time. I was suddenly inspired to be creative and think more creatively. Of course, sudden change did not happen so quickly and I have to admit I judged myself harshly at first. Old habits die hard, but I’m learning to give myself a break if I don’t live up to my own expectations.

So far I’ve managed to keep up with writing my random thoughts on here and it’s helped so much. I’ve also started to ease myself into a creative routine with a planner. I have found so much joy and ease sitting down and just planning my week. Plus I’ve realized that I am obsessed with stickers again. I used to love them as a child and now as an adult.

Slowly but surely I’ll rediscover all the hobbies I used to love. I’ll keep going even if I do fail.

empty

I’ve been used to the physical pain in my chest when I have anxiety that I couldn’t imagine a day without it. Just recently, I found myself at work in a typical anxiety and stress inducing situation and I felt…nothing.

I panicked. What is this feeling? Am I dying? I felt so calm physically, but my mind was going all sorts of crazy.

That was my first experience feeling empty. I knew this was the result of the medication I was prescribed to help with my anxiety, but I didn’t expect for this kind of reaction.

I can’t say that it was a great experience, but it was definitely a new one. In a way, I had found comfort in the physical tightness I felt  and the pain that always radiated through me when I got anxious or nervous. Now that it was gone, I missed it. I definitely felt crazy. How could I miss something that I’ve been wanting to get rid of for so long?

When it was finally gone, I wanted it back. Or at least I thought I wanted it back, because it was what was familiar to me for the last two years. I didn’t know anything else.

Now, I feel the emptiness in my chest, no tightness or pain. The anxiety is still there, so deeply rooted and seared into my thoughts and mind. However, the physical aspect seemed to be diminishing.
It only left me with the question I feared so much… what now?

control

It’s been one of those months again. But this time, it feels different. I haven’t written for about a month, but today I felt like it was time to write again.

It’s easy to express myself through written words, but when it comes to actually talking to someone, I would rather run at the first available chance. About a month ago, I had the worst anxiety attacks I’ve ever experienced. I felt like I was literally about to have a heart attack. The irrational fear even made me believe that I was actually going to have a heart attack and that I was going to die.

It was truly a life changing moment.

I sat with my fiance in the parking lot of CVS pharmacy crying my anxiety out. The pain and fear in my chest were temporarily released as the tears poured down my face. It was a very painful experience that still makes me tear up. My fiance watched as the anxiety I fought with daily took over my mind and body. I stared at his worried face trying to reassure him but how could I do that when my body and mind were in a state of panic? How could I pretend to be okay when I literally felt like my life was about to end?

It was an eye-opening and vulnerable moment for us. I think for a long time I believed he didn’t understand what it felt like to feel all the things I felt. It was unfair of me to judge him for this. The anxiety may have been consuming me, but I was also dragging him along the unfortunate journey.

How do you tell someone you love that it’s finally time to seek help? You drive to CVS and have a meltdown in the parking lot.

It was enough for me to actually set up an appointment with my doctor. I was so scared to take this huge step, but I finally realized I needed help. I am not one to seek help so readily, but I do not regret it.

I’ve eased the physical pain a little bit, but my next journey now is to learn how to manage all the thoughts and emotions that still wander around.

I will no longer be the victim of my own anxiety. It’s my time to take control.

 

escape

When my mind is stuck in a cloud of negativity, it’s hard to remember what happiness feels like. Over the last few days, I’ve found myself feeling happy over completing the small goals I’ve set for myself. It feels like such a huge deal to me because I have such a hard time following routine and being consistent with writing. It feels nice to prove the anxiety giant in me wrong sometimes.

Writing these words and uploading my blog posts has brought me a great sense of accomplishment that it literally brought me to tears one day. The tears that spilled over didn’t hold the weight of my sadness, instead they carried a sense of hope for finding the true happiness within me.

I’ve discovered the renewed will I have for writing. This change reminds me of the meanings that my words carry and the release that result from expressing all the emotions deep within. It’s a beautiful thing to see my fingers typing away and filling up the pages with the words that my mind speaks.

I have found a beautiful release from reality.

Even though the words I speak are my reality, I feel that I get closer to finding peace with my own self. The journey I am on helps me discover and illustrate my story with my voice. I feel that my purpose lies within words that are yet to be constructed into sentences. So, I will keep striving to find that peace, even if it means bursting into tears randomly.

It’s a nice escape.

expectation

I think it would be a lie if I said I never wanted to at one point please everyone around me. I’m sure I am not the only one that has felt or feels this way. I think we crave reassurance that we are making others happy by choosing the decisions they think are best for us. We don’t really stop to listen to our own wants and needs.

On the other hand, I know there are people who could care less about other’s opinions and who are good at listening to their own self. I sometimes envy their self-awareness and self-love. I have never been that kind of person. 

As much as I hate to admit it, I wanted to feel other’s approval for any of the decisions that I made. I didn’t want to disappoint my family or friends by making any choices that were contrary to their own. For me, knowing that the people I care about were happy with “my” choices brought me a sense of satisfaction. I thought that this is what I always wanted, but lately I questioned if this is the life I wanted to live.

Do I want keeping living a life where my actions are based on the wants, opinions or needs of others?

I don’t think so.

I want to learn to find my own voice, focus on my own needs, indulge in my wants, and listen to my opinions. I want to learn to love myself for everything I am even when I feel that I’ve let down or disappointed those I care about. I don’t want to disappoint myself anymore.

For too long, I have ignored the voice inside me, the “little me”, that is yelling to be heard. This little me is so often overshadowed by the “giant me”, the one filled with anxiety and fear. I forget or maybe never learned how to even listen to the the real me. That little voice inside. 

I made the decision to stop living up to other’s expectations and to stop feeding the anxiety giant in me.

It’s time to make little me proud. I think it’s time we all start making ourselves proud.