Today this tiny flower caught my attention. It managed to grow around weeds, trash, and dirt. Granted, it may be part of the weed itself.
But still, I couldn’t help but get a little philosophical.
I think its amazing to see it grow in such a harsh environment.
I thought it was pretty cool.
#2: flowers.
there is just something about looking at flowers and seeing them bloom that is so beautiful.
A huge event in my life is happening at the end of next year. If you ask me now if I am ready, you can expect a huge “NO!”. Not because I am not mentally or emotionally prepared, but because I haven’t taken one second to plan anything about it.
I tell myself that I should have something planned by now. Every time I think about planning, the most I do is acknowledge that I should probably do it, but I quickly dismiss it with an excuse.
For me: Excuses = Procrastination
The excuses I use help me justify the constant delaying. Is my anxiety delaying the planning because sitting down and thinking about all of the things I have to do cause me stress? Or is it the lazy part of me that will try to wing this (which this is not something that should be winged)? These are the thoughts that run through my head when I try to find reasons as to why I’m procrastinating.
I asked myself those questions today and realized something so simple. The only thing stopping myself from planning is me. Not the anxiety. Not the laziness. These are the excuses I used to justify the delay.
Instead of making more excuses, I am choosing to acknowledge that 1) yes this a big event that will take a lot of time to plan and 2) I may not solve everything in one day, but I am capable of completing this.
It is okay to not have everything figured out today. I know that it will be ok. I will be okay.
No more excuses, only action.
#1: my cat.
cats may not show as much love as dogs, but I can feel my cat’s love. She brings me comfort at times I need the most and I wonder if she can sense my stress.
plus, she’s super cute.
fun fact: she has a mickey mouse logo on her side!)
There are times when one emotion completely overwhelms me to the point where I ask myself if I am ever going to stop feeling this way. There shouldn’t be a reason why I feel the way that I do, but I do feel it. I don’t know how to stop feeling the way I do and sometimes I don’t even realize that I don’t feel that way.
Today, sadness overwhelmed me all day. I don’t have one exact reason to be sad, because although things aren’t great, they definitely aren’t bad. But I still woke up with such a sadness within me that I wondered what was going on. I was able to distract myself when I spoke to my friends, but as soon as I was alone with my own mind, the feeling returned. I could feel myself falling into the same hole, wondering if I would make it out on the other side or be stuck in a continuous loop.
It all sounds crazy, but that is exactly what my mind goes through. It makes me feel like I have no control over my emotions. Instead, my emotions control me. They control me so much that I feel I have a mental “block” as I like to call it.
This “block” stops me from moving past these emotions. I rather not think at all, than fight whatever is going on inside my mind.
Deep down, I know that this may stem from my anxiety and my mental strength, but I am not sure what the best solution is. Is there even one?
I almost let it get to me today. Instead, I pushed a little harder to move forward. These words helped release and push that block a little further away.
Today, I beat the “block” and I think that’s something to be proud of.
Yesterday I passed through a street that runs through my childhood neighborhood. As I looked around, everything seemed the same, but also different. New stores were next to older stores I remember going into.
All the memories came rushing back to my mind. I felt different looking at everything, but I still loved this neighborhood because it was my home for so long.
A strong sense of sadness came over me as we passed by. I felt sad because I remember the painful memory of coming back here only to move out of our home. I felt that my childhood home and neighborhood were ripped away from me and I didn’t have time to deal with the loss because I had to go back to college. At the time, I don’t think I wanted to deal with the emotions because I was focused on other things.
However, as I pass through the familiar streets now, I feel the pain in my heart. When I graduated college and moved back home, I came to a completely new environment. I felt like I didn’t have a home anymore.
The past usually brings all the feelings of nostalgia and happy memories.
I feel only sadness. I look at the new buildings, the new shops and restaurants and I realize that the placed moved on without me.
Life moved on. And undeniably, I moved on too.
All I need to do is find peace with the past.
There have been many times that I’ve labeled myself as “anti-social”. Sometimes as a joke, but more often than not, I’ve really believed that.
It’s not that I don’t want to hang out with my friends or get to know new people. Sometimes the fear that fills my mind consumes me so much that I rather avoid any social or new experience at ALL costs.
I rather stick to what I know than to take that step outside the safety line of my comfort zone. I look at the people around me at times and see how easily they talk freely. Smiles and laughs fill their faces. Pure joy at times.
Why cant that be me? Why is it so hard? Why am I stuck inside my own mind?
I haven’t figured out the “why’s” just yet. Mainly because I am not sure when I started feeling the fear. All I know is that I don’t want to feel that fear. I don’t want to feel that anxiety of being a huge group and feeling like I can’t speak a word to anyone. I don’t want to be intimidated to new experiences, to life.
My comfort zone restricts me. But I’ve made one huge step. I am writing this now. On the internet. The vastness of the internet. No one may read this, or maybe one person will, but that’s not the point.
The point is my foot crossed that safety line and now I am outside.
So long comfort zone.
Every time that I look up at the sky, I feel like it’s a reminder that I am alive. I am breathing. At times, I feel small and alone. Scared of the unknown.
But then I remember that my life is full of endless possibilities and promises.
The painted skies fill me with hope.
Routine. Just the word alone makes me anxious. Simply because I’ve never been great at keeping one up. Every time that I missed just one day of my routine, I felt like a complete failure. In my mind, I asked myself, “why can’t you do this?”
Why is this so hard for you?
Thinking back now, I realize I was asking myself the wrong questions and judging myself too harshly. Why did I have such high standards and expectations for myself?
For me, the whole point of a routine was to do a bunch of things that I enjoyed doing (reading, writing, exercising, etc.). I shouldn’t punish myself so hard for not being able to do them consistently. I am only human and there will be days that I am tired and all I want to do is lay in bed and watch Youtube. I shouldn’t beat myself up for taking a break, instead of sticking to my 1 hour reading or 1 hour writing routine I wanted to accomplish.
This weekend I tried seeing things through this new perspective of being nicer to myself. I thought about all the things I want to incorporate into my everyday life. I am not going to lie, it was hard. Instinctively, I wanted to sit down, pull out a notebook and begin planning out a weekly schedule. My anxiety started to take control, wanting to plan everything hour by hour.
I took a step back and told myself, “I want to try that new face cleanser.” It was such a simple and funny thought to me. I’ve always wanted to do a night time skin care routine and my chance was now. Before I could begin thinking too much, I began to look for the products I wanted to use and I lined them all up on my sink. Then, I began my night time skin care routine.
This may seem like a ridiculous, nonessential activity for many. But for me, it meant the world. It felt amazing to do something I wanted and accomplish it. I didn’t think about what would happen if I wasn’t able to do it or if I was going to do this the next day. Instead, I simply thought, “Let’s go look for that new cleanser.” The rest followed.
With this small win, I felt ambitious and I wanted to tackle incorporating exercise into my evening. I have to admit that working out gives me A LOT of anxiety because weight has always been one of my biggest enemies. Again, I took a step back before I delved into a spiraling hole of thoughts and I simply put on my socks and shoes. I went outside and I started running.
I am on a two day streak of 30 minute exercises and I am staying positive, not pushing myself more than I know I can handle. I know the journey is always a bit scary and challenging. But I feel hopeful seeing this new challenge through a fresh perspective. No expectation. No judging.
All small victories.
Adulting is definitely hard. But one of the hardest things I’ve found is dealing with loss. When I was young, the biggest painful loss I remember was the death of a pet.
Now, when loss involves a person. It’s a greater pain that sometimes feels unbearable. The thoughts in my head become too negative and desperate. I feel like I experience the loss of a loved one and a little bit of myself.
A lot of people say that loved ones aren’t always gone as long as they remain in your thoughts and in your heart. This is true, but as many things, it is easier said than done.
I experienced a loss recently and I am not sure yet if I’ve managed to cope with the pain. I certainly didn’t think I’d make it this far, but I am still here. But now, another loss is imminent and I find myself back in that headspace.
I lay and I stare at the whiteness of my ceiling with a million thoughts running in and out of my brain. Why me? Why now? Can’t I get a break? Can’t my family get a break?
But then I do remember, that this is life. I have no control and what my thoughts want to do is control the situation. But I will never be able to no matter how much I try.
What I can control is the power I give these thoughts. Yes, loss is hard, painful, and at times it is hard to see the hope. But I hold on strongly to my faith and to my hope. It isn’t bad to feel the pain. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to be hurt, to cry. But, once my tears have dried and my mind has calmed, life will go on. I will go on. And one day, I sincerely believe it will be ok.
For the time being, I will let the emotions be. But I will not give the negativity the power to control me. I will cope.
the happy within 