balance

Days like today are the ones that make me feel crazy. Yesterday I was on a high, feeling so positive and inspired. Today, I feel unbalanced. I feel very stressed and anxious. My emotions are ranging from hyper to extremely overwhelmed in a span of minutes.

I don’t know what’s wrong and my mind feels empty. The only thing I know for sure is that I don’t feel good. I feel like something is wrong.

This constant state of unease and unknown makes me feel crazy. I know that I am not, but sometimes it so hard to understand what’s going on.

Why am I always on a constant cycle of highs and lows? Why can’t I stay high and remain there? Why? Why? Why?

Too many unanswered why’s.

My mind always wants to take the upper hand and create tension when there is none. There is literally nothing going on that seems so dire. But I have that feeling of impending doom. I have that “gut feeling” that something is going to happen.

These are the moments where I know I need to fight back, but it is so much harder said than done. Sometimes I don’t know where to start and other times I am so exhausted that I feel blocked. In the meantime, I’ll keep feeling like I’m on a seesaw.  Either at the lowest low or the highest high. Never quite finding that perfect middle balance.

reality

My vacation is over and now I’m returning to the reality I wanted to escape. But I feel different, I feel a little bit more positive. My anxiety still lingers and I’ve been learning to live with it. But, I’m ready to manage it.

My time off gave me the much-needed rest for my body and my mind that I was missing. I feel like my mind has a fresh perspective and it’s a little bit uplifting. I feel renewed interest in activities I haven’t even thought about for the last few years.

Today, I am going back to work but my mind is focused on all the new projects I am excited to work on.

I know that it will be a challenge, though. In the past, I wasn’t able to follow through with any of my goals. This only brought more negativity to my mind and fed into my anxiety. As I have mentioned, routine is hard for me and it’s even harder for me to even complete goals I set out to accomplish. I had too many expectations for myself and when I failed, I felt like I couldn’t keep going.

But no, not today. Today we fight. (Please let me know if you get this reference 😊)

I’m ready to fight for my goals and make a new reality for my self. One that I love.

recharge

I woke up today at 5:40 am, my body is used to the routine of waking up and getting ready for work. I looked at my phone and happily dismissed all the alarms I had set. Today, I am on vacation mode.

I decided to take off almost a week off from work because I was going to be traveling and it was also my birthday. I thought this was a good enough reason to take off so many days. However, it was still hard to even ask for so many days because it was the first time I ever took off so much time from work.

At first, I felt really guilty. It was not good timing to take a vacation, because we were short-staffed. I wondered how work could go on without me or if my assignments would be completed? What if something went wrong and it was my fault? What if my manager becomes upset with me because I am taking off time? All these anxious thoughts almost convinced me to cancel all my plans.

I stopped myself from going down that negative path by taking a step back and taking a deep breath. I realized that work will go on without me and I can’t stop people from having opinions about me. I can only do and think about what is best for me. I need to look out for me. I have to stop caring about those guilty feelings and listen to what my body and mind need.

My body and my mind desperately needed this time off.

I’m on day three of my vacation and I feel so free. I feel like my mind and body are stress-free. At times I do find my mind drifting into thoughts about work, but I push those thoughts away. I have to live in the present.

I need this time to recharge and focus on figuring out what really makes me happy.  And it’s working! I’m starting to find my creative inspiration again and the rush of happiness gives me hope.

bad days

Bad days suck.

I had a bad day at work yesterday and I could not shake off the negativity I felt all day. I feel like it’s a lot harder for me because when I have a bad day it feels like I’ve fallen into a pit of hopeless despair. I know that it sounds very dramatic, but that’s literally how I feel. My anxiety attacks my mind into surrendering to the fear and stress that feels a million times worse than it actually is.

It doesn’t help that I also tend to wallow in my own pain instead of shaking it off and moving on. I’m not very good at facing my own fears, especially when it involves my future.

Yesterday, I was in the mind space where I questioned the path that my life was heading down and I felt like I was wasting my potential at my 9-5 job. I felt like I had no future at this job, but I also couldn’t imagine a future without it. I felt trapped. I wanted to cry. I wanted to go home.

My mind was in the dark side of that pit of hopelessness.

I knew that I needed to take a step back, breathe, and reevaluate, but I couldn’t do it. Instead, I chose to lay in my bed and cover my face wishing for an escape.

I let the heightened uncertainty of a fruitless future engulf me. I really hate bad days.

hobbies

When my anxiety began to creep in, I started to slowly lose interest in all the things I used to love. I didn’t want to read any more books and I didn’t want to write.

I kept buying books trying to find the “happiness” they used to bring me. I thought by buying them I could feel some sort of joy again, but they all sat in the shelf with dust collecting around them. The novel I had been working on remained unwritten. My dream of becoming an author seemed so far away and seemed impossible.

I didn’t want any of those things anymore. I didn’t want to do it and I didn’t want to think about it. My chest tightened with fear at the thought of either reading or writing. When I did think of them, they seemed like failed dreams.

But how could they be failed dreams if I never really tried to keep them going? The only thing stopping me was myself, so I realized that the only thing I was failing was myself.

I needed to change and now seemed like then perfect time. I was suddenly inspired to be creative and think more creatively. Of course, sudden change did not happen so quickly and I have to admit I judged myself harshly at first. Old habits die hard, but I’m learning to give myself a break if I don’t live up to my own expectations.

So far I’ve managed to keep up with writing my random thoughts on here and it’s helped so much. I’ve also started to ease myself into a creative routine with a planner. I have found so much joy and ease sitting down and just planning my week. Plus I’ve realized that I am obsessed with stickers again. I used to love them as a child and now as an adult.

Slowly but surely I’ll rediscover all the hobbies I used to love. I’ll keep going even if I do fail.

empty

I’ve been used to the physical pain in my chest when I have anxiety that I couldn’t imagine a day without it. Just recently, I found myself at work in a typical anxiety and stress inducing situation and I felt…nothing.

I panicked. What is this feeling? Am I dying? I felt so calm physically, but my mind was going all sorts of crazy.

That was my first experience feeling empty. I knew this was the result of the medication I was prescribed to help with my anxiety, but I didn’t expect for this kind of reaction.

I can’t say that it was a great experience, but it was definitely a new one. In a way, I had found comfort in the physical tightness I felt  and the pain that always radiated through me when I got anxious or nervous. Now that it was gone, I missed it. I definitely felt crazy. How could I miss something that I’ve been wanting to get rid of for so long?

When it was finally gone, I wanted it back. Or at least I thought I wanted it back, because it was what was familiar to me for the last two years. I didn’t know anything else.

Now, I feel the emptiness in my chest, no tightness or pain. The anxiety is still there, so deeply rooted and seared into my thoughts and mind. However, the physical aspect seemed to be diminishing.
It only left me with the question I feared so much… what now?