Category: Uncategorized

control

It’s been one of those months again. But this time, it feels different. I haven’t written for about a month, but today I felt like it was time to write again.

It’s easy to express myself through written words, but when it comes to actually talking to someone, I would rather run at the first available chance. About a month ago, I had the worst anxiety attacks I’ve ever experienced. I felt like I was literally about to have a heart attack. The irrational fear even made me believe that I was actually going to have a heart attack and that I was going to die.

It was truly a life changing moment.

I sat with my fiance in the parking lot of CVS pharmacy crying my anxiety out. The pain and fear in my chest were temporarily released as the tears poured down my face. It was a very painful experience that still makes me tear up. My fiance watched as the anxiety I fought with daily took over my mind and body. I stared at his worried face trying to reassure him but how could I do that when my body and mind were in a state of panic? How could I pretend to be okay when I literally felt like my life was about to end?

It was an eye-opening and vulnerable moment for us. I think for a long time I believed he didn’t understand what it felt like to feel all the things I felt. It was unfair of me to judge him for this. The anxiety may have been consuming me, but I was also dragging him along the unfortunate journey.

How do you tell someone you love that it’s finally time to seek help? You drive to CVS and have a meltdown in the parking lot.

It was enough for me to actually set up an appointment with my doctor. I was so scared to take this huge step, but I finally realized I needed help. I am not one to seek help so readily, but I do not regret it.

I’ve eased the physical pain a little bit, but my next journey now is to learn how to manage all the thoughts and emotions that still wander around.

I will no longer be the victim of my own anxiety. It’s my time to take control.

 

escape

When my mind is stuck in a cloud of negativity, it’s hard to remember what happiness feels like. Over the last few days, I’ve found myself feeling happy over completing the small goals I’ve set for myself. It feels like such a huge deal to me because I have such a hard time following routine and being consistent with writing. It feels nice to prove the anxiety giant in me wrong sometimes.

Writing these words and uploading my blog posts has brought me a great sense of accomplishment that it literally brought me to tears one day. The tears that spilled over didn’t hold the weight of my sadness, instead they carried a sense of hope for finding the true happiness within me.

I’ve discovered the renewed will I have for writing. This change reminds me of the meanings that my words carry and the release that result from expressing all the emotions deep within. It’s a beautiful thing to see my fingers typing away and filling up the pages with the words that my mind speaks.

I have found a beautiful release from reality.

Even though the words I speak are my reality, I feel that I get closer to finding peace with my own self. The journey I am on helps me discover and illustrate my story with my voice. I feel that my purpose lies within words that are yet to be constructed into sentences. So, I will keep striving to find that peace, even if it means bursting into tears randomly.

It’s a nice escape.

expectation

I think it would be a lie if I said I never wanted to at one point please everyone around me. I’m sure I am not the only one that has felt or feels this way. I think we crave reassurance that we are making others happy by choosing the decisions they think are best for us. We don’t really stop to listen to our own wants and needs.

On the other hand, I know there are people who could care less about other’s opinions and who are good at listening to their own self. I sometimes envy their self-awareness and self-love. I have never been that kind of person. 

As much as I hate to admit it, I wanted to feel other’s approval for any of the decisions that I made. I didn’t want to disappoint my family or friends by making any choices that were contrary to their own. For me, knowing that the people I care about were happy with “my” choices brought me a sense of satisfaction. I thought that this is what I always wanted, but lately I questioned if this is the life I wanted to live.

Do I want keeping living a life where my actions are based on the wants, opinions or needs of others?

I don’t think so.

I want to learn to find my own voice, focus on my own needs, indulge in my wants, and listen to my opinions. I want to learn to love myself for everything I am even when I feel that I’ve let down or disappointed those I care about. I don’t want to disappoint myself anymore.

For too long, I have ignored the voice inside me, the “little me”, that is yelling to be heard. This little me is so often overshadowed by the “giant me”, the one filled with anxiety and fear. I forget or maybe never learned how to even listen to the the real me. That little voice inside. 

I made the decision to stop living up to other’s expectations and to stop feeding the anxiety giant in me.

It’s time to make little me proud. I think it’s time we all start making ourselves proud. 

blank

Ordinarily my brain is filled with so many thoughts. They roam around the walls of my mind back and forth, popping in and out endlessly. They cause such a flurry of emotions and anxiety throughout the whole day that my mind is in a constant state of restlessness.

Yet, here I sit willing my mind to give my fingers words to type. Something! Anything to release the negativity and ease the stress of these endless thoughts. But its all silent and blank up there.

It’s funny that I can’t express the anxious and restless feelings through writing when I actually make the effort to sit down and focus on just those emotions.

Instead, this is all I can write at this moment.

If I were to visualize my mind now…

It would be like a night sky. Dark, starless, and few crickets cricketing in the background.

It could just be writer’s block? Or it could be that my mind is so calm at this moment, that I am actually at peace and I don’t even know it? If only.

I’m pretty sure it might be the former because the idea of not having anything to say causes me so much anxiety that I know this can’t be what peace feels like.

Instead I think my mind is so used to the darkness of anxiety that it resists any effort to come out. My dark night is good at hiding in the shadows.

Question now is:  how do I find my moon in the dark night of my mind?

restart

There are times when your mind completely wins and takes over. The emotions you tried hard to get rid of take center stage and consume you. They fill you up so much you forget about all the things that bring you happiness.
That was me.
Was.
The last months I felt like a zombie. Every day was the same.

Wake up, work, eat, sleep.

This routine was on repeat for 5 days every week. The days dragged on with no real excitement or happiness. There was only darkness.

I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to feel trapped. I want to find my meaning in life, not let my life run out of time.
So, I made the decision. The zombie me, that is no longer me. That was the old me. Now, I’m trying to break the cycle again. I have more to give. Even if it takes more than one restart, I will keep going. So…let’s try this again.

Restart.

coping

Adulting is definitely hard. But one of the hardest things I’ve found is dealing with loss. When I was young, the biggest painful loss I remember was the death of a pet.

Now, when loss involves a person. It’s a greater pain that sometimes feels unbearable. The thoughts in my head become too negative and desperate. I feel like I experience the loss of a loved one and a little bit of myself.

A lot of people say that loved ones aren’t always gone as long as they remain in your thoughts and in your heart. This is true, but as many things, it is easier said than done.

I experienced a loss recently and I am not sure yet if I’ve managed to cope with the pain. I certainly didn’t think I’d make it this far, but I am still here. But now, another loss is imminent and I find myself back in that headspace.

I lay and I stare at the whiteness of my ceiling with a million thoughts running in and out of my brain. Why me? Why now? Can’t I get a break? Can’t my family get a break?

But then I do remember, that this is life. I have no control and what my thoughts want to do is control the situation. But I will never be able to no matter how much I try.

What I can control is the power I give these thoughts. Yes, loss is hard, painful, and at times it is hard to see the hope. But I hold on strongly to my faith and to my hope. It isn’t bad to feel the pain. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to be hurt, to cry. But, once my tears have dried and my mind has calmed, life will go on. I will go on. And one day, I sincerely believe it will be ok.

For the time being, I will let the emotions be. But I will not give the negativity the power to control me. I will cope.

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