Category: blog

escape

When my mind is stuck in a cloud of negativity, it’s hard to remember what happiness feels like. Over the last few days, I’ve found myself feeling happy over completing the small goals I’ve set for myself. It feels like such a huge deal to me because I have such a hard time following routine and being consistent with writing. It feels nice to prove the anxiety giant in me wrong sometimes.

Writing these words and uploading my blog posts has brought me a great sense of accomplishment that it literally brought me to tears one day. The tears that spilled over didn’t hold the weight of my sadness, instead they carried a sense of hope for finding the true happiness within me.

I’ve discovered the renewed will I have for writing. This change reminds me of the meanings that my words carry and the release that result from expressing all the emotions deep within. It’s a beautiful thing to see my fingers typing away and filling up the pages with the words that my mind speaks.

I have found a beautiful release from reality.

Even though the words I speak are my reality, I feel that I get closer to finding peace with my own self. The journey I am on helps me discover and illustrate my story with my voice. I feel that my purpose lies within words that are yet to be constructed into sentences. So, I will keep striving to find that peace, even if it means bursting into tears randomly.

It’s a nice escape.

expectation

I think it would be a lie if I said I never wanted to at one point please everyone around me. I’m sure I am not the only one that has felt or feels this way. I think we crave reassurance that we are making others happy by choosing the decisions they think are best for us. We don’t really stop to listen to our own wants and needs.

On the other hand, I know there are people who could care less about other’s opinions and who are good at listening to their own self. I sometimes envy their self-awareness and self-love. I have never been that kind of person. 

As much as I hate to admit it, I wanted to feel other’s approval for any of the decisions that I made. I didn’t want to disappoint my family or friends by making any choices that were contrary to their own. For me, knowing that the people I care about were happy with “my” choices brought me a sense of satisfaction. I thought that this is what I always wanted, but lately I questioned if this is the life I wanted to live.

Do I want keeping living a life where my actions are based on the wants, opinions or needs of others?

I don’t think so.

I want to learn to find my own voice, focus on my own needs, indulge in my wants, and listen to my opinions. I want to learn to love myself for everything I am even when I feel that I’ve let down or disappointed those I care about. I don’t want to disappoint myself anymore.

For too long, I have ignored the voice inside me, the “little me”, that is yelling to be heard. This little me is so often overshadowed by the “giant me”, the one filled with anxiety and fear. I forget or maybe never learned how to even listen to the the real me. That little voice inside. 

I made the decision to stop living up to other’s expectations and to stop feeding the anxiety giant in me.

It’s time to make little me proud. I think it’s time we all start making ourselves proud. 

blank

Ordinarily my brain is filled with so many thoughts. They roam around the walls of my mind back and forth, popping in and out endlessly. They cause such a flurry of emotions and anxiety throughout the whole day that my mind is in a constant state of restlessness.

Yet, here I sit willing my mind to give my fingers words to type. Something! Anything to release the negativity and ease the stress of these endless thoughts. But its all silent and blank up there.

It’s funny that I can’t express the anxious and restless feelings through writing when I actually make the effort to sit down and focus on just those emotions.

Instead, this is all I can write at this moment.

If I were to visualize my mind now…

It would be like a night sky. Dark, starless, and few crickets cricketing in the background.

It could just be writer’s block? Or it could be that my mind is so calm at this moment, that I am actually at peace and I don’t even know it? If only.

I’m pretty sure it might be the former because the idea of not having anything to say causes me so much anxiety that I know this can’t be what peace feels like.

Instead I think my mind is so used to the darkness of anxiety that it resists any effort to come out. My dark night is good at hiding in the shadows.

Question now is:  how do I find my moon in the dark night of my mind?

restart

There are times when your mind completely wins and takes over. The emotions you tried hard to get rid of take center stage and consume you. They fill you up so much you forget about all the things that bring you happiness.
That was me.
Was.
The last months I felt like a zombie. Every day was the same.

Wake up, work, eat, sleep.

This routine was on repeat for 5 days every week. The days dragged on with no real excitement or happiness. There was only darkness.

I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to feel trapped. I want to find my meaning in life, not let my life run out of time.
So, I made the decision. The zombie me, that is no longer me. That was the old me. Now, I’m trying to break the cycle again. I have more to give. Even if it takes more than one restart, I will keep going. So…let’s try this again.

Restart.

trapped

This last week has been one of the most stressful weeks I have experienced this year. A lot of things happened that were out of my control in both my personal and work life. Lack of control usually results in my anxiety and stress levels increasing drastically. The upside is that I was able to fix the biggest challenge I had this week and I was happy about it.

But here I am, still consumed by all of the same emotions. I feel stressed, nervous, anxious, and sad. All the negative feelings of the week that were in the background, came rushing back.  It literally feels like all these emotions are stuck inside a bubble (my mind) and I can’t figure out how to pop that bubble to release everything.

I feel trapped inside my own mind, replaying all the emotions over and over. This feeling makes me think that I have no control over my life or work.

I further complicate things by letting these emotions pull me down into what I think of as a black hole. In this hole, everything seems like the end of the world. I feel like I am always going to feel this way and that nothing is every going to get better. It is a complete feeling of despair.

I have hope that I’ll find my escape and pop that bubble. Typing these thoughts and words help a lot. It’s a small release for all the million of thoughts and emotions that run back and forth in my mind.

Sometime I really do feel crazy, but I know I’m not. I do feel alone, like no one will understand. But if there is someone out there feeling the same, I hope that you don’t give up. I hold onto the hope that one day it will get better and I wish the same for you too.

 

 

growth

Today this tiny flower caught my attention. It managed to grow around weeds, trash, and dirt. Granted, it may be part of the weed itself.

But still, I couldn’t help but get a little philosophical.

I think its amazing to see it grow in such a harsh environment.

I thought it was pretty cool.