Category: blog

new

my nightly thoughts:

Tomorrow is October. The beginning of a new month begins and so does the feeling of new possibilities.

Why does the start of something always feel like the right time to begin something “new”? Like saying on October 1st, I am going to start working out. I am going to start my skincare routine. I am going to do (fill in the blank).

I think the idea of the “beginning” of anything feels like a new chance to do what you said you were going to do last month. Or last few months…let’s be honest. But no worries, I am guilty of this too. I’ve been starting my workout routine for the last 5 months.

I think we need to retrain our brains to really say “This month I’m “beginning” a lot of things I said I was going to do. I may not make it and that’s okay.”

There’s no need to be so hard on yourself. The beginning of each month is a good place to restart your routines but also is each day. Every day is a good day to begin something new.

 

sunday blues

Some days you get a rush of sadness that comes out of nowhere. One minute everything is okay and then the next moment everything feels wrong. I’m used to letting myself get dragged into that pit of sadness and just wander in my mind.

Today, I got up and went for a walk around the block with my fiance.

I’m glad I did. My fiance took a beautiful picture of the evening sky. In the picture, the moon faintly lies in the background, but I know its there.

It may not be completely visible, but I know its there. And that’s enough for me.

rain

There is something soothing about stepping outside when the rain has stopped. There is a feeling of freshness, but also a sense of expectancy. You can feel the peace in the interlude. You don’t know what’s coming next, but you know something is coming. If you wait a little bit longer, you can almost feel the mist slowly touching your skin.

I used to step out onto the rain and look up at the sky waiting to see the raindrop down hard on my face. That’s how my life felt for a long time. An endless pouring rain that I felt like I was drowning in.

I stopped seeing the rain as an endless storm and instead focused on the cleansing fresh start it could provide.

A few months ago I heard a song written and sung by RM (a Korean artist part of BTS). In the song, there is a lyric that states, “I feel so lonely when I’m with me.” This one line resonated so deeply because I’ve always felt like a lone soul stuck wandering in an endless storm of pain and despair.

The song provided a sense of comfort that for so long I was looking for. His words reminded me that the most important thing was to learn to love myself. These last few weeks have really tested me and I almost felt like I could not keep going. But I reminded myself that I would not drown, I would not live in the storm. I would keep going.

And here I am.

excitement

How time flies! It’s almost May! This last week has been so long but also so short. It still amazes me how time works sometimes.

Some times you’re having a really bad day and in a moment one change can turn it into a really great day. I’ve felt that more this week. There were too many upsetting, frustrating and very disappointing moments at work and at home that really got to me.

But I made the effort to find the positive in each moment and guess what? I did it! I’ve felt a lot more balanced in my emotions in the last week than I have in a very long time. I’ve learned to really take each moment of my journey one step at a time.

Today, there are a couple of undesirable things happening but I’m focused on the positive exciting projects I’m working on (stay tuned)! All I feel is excitement at the idea that I am more than the anxiety I feel inside. I am filled with potential and open to the challenges I am facing.

At this moment, I look forward to the future, not with that anxious perspective, but with hopeful excitement.

morning commute

 

My commute consists of an hour and a half of traffic. To and from work. Everyday. But today, I decided to look at it a little different. Finding the positive in an undesirable moment.

Today: the sun was out and shining. The sky was so clear and blue. It was a beautiful, bright morning. My mind feels calm and I am ready for today.

unease

I feel like I’m wasting my time and my life complaining about how I feel. But it feels so hard for me to deal with all the emotions that creep in and out throughout the day.

I woke up feeling so much anxiety and worry. I had a feeling of unease that something bad was going to happen.

I got to work late and I was frustrated because I couldn’t come on time. No one noticed or said anything yet I still felt like all eyes were on me.

As I sit on my desk watching a training on Cyber security awareness, I can’t help but feel anger and stress. I can’t even concentrate on the training because I feel so much right now that my brain feels clouded. I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself and feeding into the “poor me” narrative I have created for myself. But it’s so hard when I feel so much!

In times like this, I try to take a step back and breathe. Try to reevaluate what I’m feeling and how I can solve it. I go back and think of all the sources that bring me motivation and happiness.

I’ve been listening to a song by a Korean artist, RM. He is part of a bigger K-pop group that I’m sure many know about (if not you should definitely give them a listen). He released a solo mix tape a few months ago that definitely speaks to me. Many of his songs resonate deeply with me, but in particular in one song it feels like he’s talking directly to me.

In the song called, uhgood, he sings:

All I need is me
I know I know I know…
But why do I feel lonely…

I feel so lonely when I’m with me

I want to get better. I want to be able to deal with my emotions, my worries and my anxiety. I know it starts with me, but the me inside me feels so lonely that it’s hard to lift her up.

I need to learn to love me, listen to me and support me. But it’s so hard with all the unease I feel around me.

balance

Days like today are the ones that make me feel crazy. Yesterday I was on a high, feeling so positive and inspired. Today, I feel unbalanced. I feel very stressed and anxious. My emotions are ranging from hyper to extremely overwhelmed in a span of minutes.

I don’t know what’s wrong and my mind feels empty. The only thing I know for sure is that I don’t feel good. I feel like something is wrong.

This constant state of unease and unknown makes me feel crazy. I know that I am not, but sometimes it so hard to understand what’s going on.

Why am I always on a constant cycle of highs and lows? Why can’t I stay high and remain there? Why? Why? Why?

Too many unanswered why’s.

My mind always wants to take the upper hand and create tension when there is none. There is literally nothing going on that seems so dire. But I have that feeling of impending doom. I have that “gut feeling” that something is going to happen.

These are the moments where I know I need to fight back, but it is so much harder said than done. Sometimes I don’t know where to start and other times I am so exhausted that I feel blocked. In the meantime, I’ll keep feeling like I’m on a seesaw.  Either at the lowest low or the highest high. Never quite finding that perfect middle balance.

reality

My vacation is over and now I’m returning to the reality I wanted to escape. But I feel different, I feel a little bit more positive. My anxiety still lingers and I’ve been learning to live with it. But, I’m ready to manage it.

My time off gave me the much-needed rest for my body and my mind that I was missing. I feel like my mind has a fresh perspective and it’s a little bit uplifting. I feel renewed interest in activities I haven’t even thought about for the last few years.

Today, I am going back to work but my mind is focused on all the new projects I am excited to work on.

I know that it will be a challenge, though. In the past, I wasn’t able to follow through with any of my goals. This only brought more negativity to my mind and fed into my anxiety. As I have mentioned, routine is hard for me and it’s even harder for me to even complete goals I set out to accomplish. I had too many expectations for myself and when I failed, I felt like I couldn’t keep going.

But no, not today. Today we fight. (Please let me know if you get this reference 😊)

I’m ready to fight for my goals and make a new reality for my self. One that I love.