Month: April 2019

excitement

How time flies! It’s almost May! This last week has been so long but also so short. It still amazes me how time works sometimes.

Some times you’re having a really bad day and in a moment one change can turn it into a really great day. I’ve felt that more this week. There were too many upsetting, frustrating and very disappointing moments at work and at home that really got to me.

But I made the effort to find the positive in each moment and guess what? I did it! I’ve felt a lot more balanced in my emotions in the last week than I have in a very long time. I’ve learned to really take each moment of my journey one step at a time.

Today, there are a couple of undesirable things happening but I’m focused on the positive exciting projects I’m working on (stay tuned)! All I feel is excitement at the idea that I am more than the anxiety I feel inside. I am filled with potential and open to the challenges I am facing.

At this moment, I look forward to the future, not with that anxious perspective, but with hopeful excitement.

morning commute

 

My commute consists of an hour and a half of traffic. To and from work. Everyday. But today, I decided to look at it a little different. Finding the positive in an undesirable moment.

Today: the sun was out and shining. The sky was so clear and blue. It was a beautiful, bright morning. My mind feels calm and I am ready for today.

unease

I feel like I’m wasting my time and my life complaining about how I feel. But it feels so hard for me to deal with all the emotions that creep in and out throughout the day.

I woke up feeling so much anxiety and worry. I had a feeling of unease that something bad was going to happen.

I got to work late and I was frustrated because I couldn’t come on time. No one noticed or said anything yet I still felt like all eyes were on me.

As I sit on my desk watching a training on Cyber security awareness, I can’t help but feel anger and stress. I can’t even concentrate on the training because I feel so much right now that my brain feels clouded. I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself and feeding into the “poor me” narrative I have created for myself. But it’s so hard when I feel so much!

In times like this, I try to take a step back and breathe. Try to reevaluate what I’m feeling and how I can solve it. I go back and think of all the sources that bring me motivation and happiness.

I’ve been listening to a song by a Korean artist, RM. He is part of a bigger K-pop group that I’m sure many know about (if not you should definitely give them a listen). He released a solo mix tape a few months ago that definitely speaks to me. Many of his songs resonate deeply with me, but in particular in one song it feels like he’s talking directly to me.

In the song called, uhgood, he sings:

All I need is me
I know I know I know…
But why do I feel lonely…

I feel so lonely when I’m with me

I want to get better. I want to be able to deal with my emotions, my worries and my anxiety. I know it starts with me, but the me inside me feels so lonely that it’s hard to lift her up.

I need to learn to love me, listen to me and support me. But it’s so hard with all the unease I feel around me.

balance

Days like today are the ones that make me feel crazy. Yesterday I was on a high, feeling so positive and inspired. Today, I feel unbalanced. I feel very stressed and anxious. My emotions are ranging from hyper to extremely overwhelmed in a span of minutes.

I don’t know what’s wrong and my mind feels empty. The only thing I know for sure is that I don’t feel good. I feel like something is wrong.

This constant state of unease and unknown makes me feel crazy. I know that I am not, but sometimes it so hard to understand what’s going on.

Why am I always on a constant cycle of highs and lows? Why can’t I stay high and remain there? Why? Why? Why?

Too many unanswered why’s.

My mind always wants to take the upper hand and create tension when there is none. There is literally nothing going on that seems so dire. But I have that feeling of impending doom. I have that “gut feeling” that something is going to happen.

These are the moments where I know I need to fight back, but it is so much harder said than done. Sometimes I don’t know where to start and other times I am so exhausted that I feel blocked. In the meantime, I’ll keep feeling like I’m on a seesaw.  Either at the lowest low or the highest high. Never quite finding that perfect middle balance.

reality

My vacation is over and now I’m returning to the reality I wanted to escape. But I feel different, I feel a little bit more positive. My anxiety still lingers and I’ve been learning to live with it. But, I’m ready to manage it.

My time off gave me the much-needed rest for my body and my mind that I was missing. I feel like my mind has a fresh perspective and it’s a little bit uplifting. I feel renewed interest in activities I haven’t even thought about for the last few years.

Today, I am going back to work but my mind is focused on all the new projects I am excited to work on.

I know that it will be a challenge, though. In the past, I wasn’t able to follow through with any of my goals. This only brought more negativity to my mind and fed into my anxiety. As I have mentioned, routine is hard for me and it’s even harder for me to even complete goals I set out to accomplish. I had too many expectations for myself and when I failed, I felt like I couldn’t keep going.

But no, not today. Today we fight. (Please let me know if you get this reference 😊)

I’m ready to fight for my goals and make a new reality for my self. One that I love.

recharge

I woke up today at 5:40 am, my body is used to the routine of waking up and getting ready for work. I looked at my phone and happily dismissed all the alarms I had set. Today, I am on vacation mode.

I decided to take off almost a week off from work because I was going to be traveling and it was also my birthday. I thought this was a good enough reason to take off so many days. However, it was still hard to even ask for so many days because it was the first time I ever took off so much time from work.

At first, I felt really guilty. It was not good timing to take a vacation, because we were short-staffed. I wondered how work could go on without me or if my assignments would be completed? What if something went wrong and it was my fault? What if my manager becomes upset with me because I am taking off time? All these anxious thoughts almost convinced me to cancel all my plans.

I stopped myself from going down that negative path by taking a step back and taking a deep breath. I realized that work will go on without me and I can’t stop people from having opinions about me. I can only do and think about what is best for me. I need to look out for me. I have to stop caring about those guilty feelings and listen to what my body and mind need.

My body and my mind desperately needed this time off.

I’m on day three of my vacation and I feel so free. I feel like my mind and body are stress-free. At times I do find my mind drifting into thoughts about work, but I push those thoughts away. I have to live in the present.

I need this time to recharge and focus on figuring out what really makes me happy.  And it’s working! I’m starting to find my creative inspiration again and the rush of happiness gives me hope.