Month: March 2019

bad days

Bad days suck.

I had a bad day at work yesterday and I could not shake off the negativity I felt all day. I feel like it’s a lot harder for me because when I have a bad day it feels like I’ve fallen into a pit of hopeless despair. I know that it sounds very dramatic, but that’s literally how I feel. My anxiety attacks my mind into surrendering to the fear and stress that feels a million times worse than it actually is.

It doesn’t help that I also tend to wallow in my own pain instead of shaking it off and moving on. I’m not very good at facing my own fears, especially when it involves my future.

Yesterday, I was in the mind space where I questioned the path that my life was heading down and I felt like I was wasting my potential at my 9-5 job. I felt like I had no future at this job, but I also couldn’t imagine a future without it. I felt trapped. I wanted to cry. I wanted to go home.

My mind was in the dark side of that pit of hopelessness.

I knew that I needed to take a step back, breathe, and reevaluate, but I couldn’t do it. Instead, I chose to lay in my bed and cover my face wishing for an escape.

I let the heightened uncertainty of a fruitless future engulf me. I really hate bad days.

hobbies

When my anxiety began to creep in, I started to slowly lose interest in all the things I used to love. I didn’t want to read any more books and I didn’t want to write.

I kept buying books trying to find the “happiness” they used to bring me. I thought by buying them I could feel some sort of joy again, but they all sat in the shelf with dust collecting around them. The novel I had been working on remained unwritten. My dream of becoming an author seemed so far away and seemed impossible.

I didn’t want any of those things anymore. I didn’t want to do it and I didn’t want to think about it. My chest tightened with fear at the thought of either reading or writing. When I did think of them, they seemed like failed dreams.

But how could they be failed dreams if I never really tried to keep them going? The only thing stopping me was myself, so I realized that the only thing I was failing was myself.

I needed to change and now seemed like then perfect time. I was suddenly inspired to be creative and think more creatively. Of course, sudden change did not happen so quickly and I have to admit I judged myself harshly at first. Old habits die hard, but I’m learning to give myself a break if I don’t live up to my own expectations.

So far I’ve managed to keep up with writing my random thoughts on here and it’s helped so much. I’ve also started to ease myself into a creative routine with a planner. I have found so much joy and ease sitting down and just planning my week. Plus I’ve realized that I am obsessed with stickers again. I used to love them as a child and now as an adult.

Slowly but surely I’ll rediscover all the hobbies I used to love. I’ll keep going even if I do fail.

empty

I’ve been used to the physical pain in my chest when I have anxiety that I couldn’t imagine a day without it. Just recently, I found myself at work in a typical anxiety and stress inducing situation and I felt…nothing.

I panicked. What is this feeling? Am I dying? I felt so calm physically, but my mind was going all sorts of crazy.

That was my first experience feeling empty. I knew this was the result of the medication I was prescribed to help with my anxiety, but I didn’t expect for this kind of reaction.

I can’t say that it was a great experience, but it was definitely a new one. In a way, I had found comfort in the physical tightness I felt  and the pain that always radiated through me when I got anxious or nervous. Now that it was gone, I missed it. I definitely felt crazy. How could I miss something that I’ve been wanting to get rid of for so long?

When it was finally gone, I wanted it back. Or at least I thought I wanted it back, because it was what was familiar to me for the last two years. I didn’t know anything else.

Now, I feel the emptiness in my chest, no tightness or pain. The anxiety is still there, so deeply rooted and seared into my thoughts and mind. However, the physical aspect seemed to be diminishing.
It only left me with the question I feared so much… what now?

remember

It’s been a year since I lost someone close to me. Time only makes it more unbelievable. It still feels wrong to realize that she’s truly gone. I look through old memories and remember the good times that are left behind. Life seemed to go downhill since she left because I finally understood how much it hurt to lose someone you love.

It’s been a long journey, but looking through the memories now I remember to stay strong and to keep going. I know that she’s physically gone but the memories that she left behind will never leave me.
I will remember her for the rest of my life, deep in my mind and close to my heart.

control

It’s been one of those months again. But this time, it feels different. I haven’t written for about a month, but today I felt like it was time to write again.

It’s easy to express myself through written words, but when it comes to actually talking to someone, I would rather run at the first available chance. About a month ago, I had the worst anxiety attacks I’ve ever experienced. I felt like I was literally about to have a heart attack. The irrational fear even made me believe that I was actually going to have a heart attack and that I was going to die.

It was truly a life changing moment.

I sat with my fiance in the parking lot of CVS pharmacy crying my anxiety out. The pain and fear in my chest were temporarily released as the tears poured down my face. It was a very painful experience that still makes me tear up. My fiance watched as the anxiety I fought with daily took over my mind and body. I stared at his worried face trying to reassure him but how could I do that when my body and mind were in a state of panic? How could I pretend to be okay when I literally felt like my life was about to end?

It was an eye-opening and vulnerable moment for us. I think for a long time I believed he didn’t understand what it felt like to feel all the things I felt. It was unfair of me to judge him for this. The anxiety may have been consuming me, but I was also dragging him along the unfortunate journey.

How do you tell someone you love that it’s finally time to seek help? You drive to CVS and have a meltdown in the parking lot.

It was enough for me to actually set up an appointment with my doctor. I was so scared to take this huge step, but I finally realized I needed help. I am not one to seek help so readily, but I do not regret it.

I’ve eased the physical pain a little bit, but my next journey now is to learn how to manage all the thoughts and emotions that still wander around.

I will no longer be the victim of my own anxiety. It’s my time to take control.