Month: July 2018

comfort zone

There have been many times that I’ve labeled myself as “anti-social”. Sometimes as a joke, but more often than not, I’ve really believed that.

It’s not that I don’t want to hang out with my friends or get to know new people. Sometimes the fear that fills my mind consumes me so much that I rather avoid any social or new experience at ALL costs.

I rather stick to what I know than to take that step outside the safety line of my comfort zone. I look at the people around me at times and see how easily they talk freely. Smiles and laughs fill their faces. Pure joy at times.

Why cant that be me? Why is it so hard? Why am I stuck inside my own mind?

I haven’t figured out  the “why’s” just yet. Mainly because I am not sure when I started feeling the fear. All I know is that I don’t want to feel that fear. I don’t want to feel that anxiety of being a huge group and feeling like I can’t speak a word to anyone. I don’t want to be intimidated to new experiences, to life.

My comfort zone restricts me. But I’ve made one huge step. I am writing this now. On the internet. The vastness of the internet. No one may read this, or maybe one person will, but that’s not the point.

The point is my foot crossed that safety line and now I am outside.

So long comfort zone.

hope

00000IMG_00000_BURST20180717200631247_COVER.jpg
what do you see when you look up at the sky?

Every time that I look up at the sky, I feel like it’s a reminder that I am alive. I am breathing. At times, I feel small and alone. Scared of the unknown.

But then I remember that my life is full of endless possibilities and promises.

The painted skies fill me with hope.

small victories

Routine. Just the word alone makes me anxious. Simply because I’ve never been great at keeping one up. Every time that I missed just one day of my routine, I felt like a complete failure. In my mind, I asked myself, “why can’t you do this?”

Why is this so hard for you?

Thinking back now, I realize I was asking myself the wrong questions and judging myself too harshly. Why did I have such high standards and expectations for myself?

For me, the whole point of a routine was  to do a bunch of things that I enjoyed doing (reading, writing, exercising, etc.). I shouldn’t punish myself so hard for not being able to do them consistently. I am only human and there will be days that I am tired and all I want to do is lay in bed and watch Youtube. I shouldn’t beat myself up for taking a break, instead of sticking to my 1 hour reading or 1 hour writing routine I wanted to accomplish.

This weekend I tried seeing things through this new perspective of being nicer to myself. I thought about all the things I want to incorporate into my everyday life. I am not going to lie, it was hard. Instinctively, I wanted to sit down, pull out a notebook and begin planning out a weekly schedule. My anxiety started to take control, wanting to plan everything hour by hour.

I took a step back and told myself, “I want to try that new face cleanser.” It was such a simple and funny thought to me. I’ve always wanted to do a night time skin care routine and my chance was now. Before I could begin thinking too much, I began to look for the products I wanted to use and I lined them all up on my sink. Then, I began my night time skin care routine.

This may seem like a ridiculous, nonessential activity for many. But for me, it meant the world. It felt amazing to do something I wanted and accomplish it. I didn’t think about what would happen if I wasn’t able to do it or if I was going to do this the next day. Instead, I simply thought, “Let’s go look for that new cleanser.” The rest followed.

With this small win, I felt ambitious and I wanted to tackle incorporating exercise into my evening. I have to admit that working out gives me A LOT of anxiety because weight has always been one of my biggest enemies. Again, I took a step back before I delved into a spiraling hole of thoughts and I simply put on my socks and shoes. I went outside and I started running.

I am on a two day streak of 30 minute exercises and I am staying positive, not pushing myself more than I know I can handle. I know the journey is always a bit scary and challenging. But I feel hopeful seeing this new challenge through a fresh perspective. No expectation. No judging.

All small victories.

coping

Adulting is definitely hard. But one of the hardest things I’ve found is dealing with loss. When I was young, the biggest painful loss I remember was the death of a pet.

Now, when loss involves a person. It’s a greater pain that sometimes feels unbearable. The thoughts in my head become too negative and desperate. I feel like I experience the loss of a loved one and a little bit of myself.

A lot of people say that loved ones aren’t always gone as long as they remain in your thoughts and in your heart. This is true, but as many things, it is easier said than done.

I experienced a loss recently and I am not sure yet if I’ve managed to cope with the pain. I certainly didn’t think I’d make it this far, but I am still here. But now, another loss is imminent and I find myself back in that headspace.

I lay and I stare at the whiteness of my ceiling with a million thoughts running in and out of my brain. Why me? Why now? Can’t I get a break? Can’t my family get a break?

But then I do remember, that this is life. I have no control and what my thoughts want to do is control the situation. But I will never be able to no matter how much I try.

What I can control is the power I give these thoughts. Yes, loss is hard, painful, and at times it is hard to see the hope. But I hold on strongly to my faith and to my hope. It isn’t bad to feel the pain. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to be hurt, to cry. But, once my tears have dried and my mind has calmed, life will go on. I will go on. And one day, I sincerely believe it will be ok.

For the time being, I will let the emotions be. But I will not give the negativity the power to control me. I will cope.

20171210_165709